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[foxsays]

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[gatheringstorm]

[This is going to be a drinking sort of night, but Araceli's dish isn't ignored. Korrin tries a little more while listening to her kadan, wondering when the night will come when her appetite will truly return. Probably not any time soon, a disturbing shift for someone who savors her meals. There's a slight shrug and ghost of a smile after she's cleared her throat enough to respond.]

It's stupid, isn't it? Thinking about what-ifs won't change a damn thing now, but they keep coming back to mind even when I know better. If I get stuck in that loop...fuck it, have Lux nip me or something. But that's as far as I go, I'm not doing Iron Bull's weird Qunari thing where Qunari get smacked around with a big stick. [How that would help she can't imagine, but Korrin isn't going to find out. It's Qunari bullshit, and that's the last thing she needs or wants right now. And there goes another swig.]

He's smart enough not to use that name after this, but it's worth a try asking for his description. Those horns of his are still small for his age; it might make him stand out enough. [Unless he cuts them off. Would he? The thought has Korrin frowning down at her food, remembering how he was so proud of the fact that they were getting bigger. But that was 'Kas', not the 'Dust' he had become.]

It's never pretty, but I...I can't see it end like that, not without trying absolutely everything else. If it gets to that point--

[She cuts herself off and looks away, that lump in her throat preventing her from finishing that thought.]

[foxsays]

It's not if you know when to stop once they start poisoning you. Some of the questions lead to good places and ideas but others are iron shackles that weigh us down with every step and hobble us. If you want to do something that isn't hitting you with a stick [her nose wrinkles and she has to swallow her mouthful with a swig of rum because of course it involves hitting with sticks, it's the Qun] then we can try duelling or you could come run the rooftops, stop thinking about anything more than immediate concerns.

Smart enough to use it if it would benefit him or his masters. [That thing she was just saying about what-ifs? This is more pointed, a reminder for a day that might never come.] You care about him and he knows that and that means they know too, same for the rest of us. If you see that name, I would like you to tell me. I'm not saying you have to but given everything? It would be safest. What a person cares about can be carved up, neatly portioned, served up to them on a plate to kill them. We learned that in the palace.

[Near two years spent lying to all her friends because it's a lesson learned well.]

[gatheringstorm]

[Taking a deep breath, she looks back and nods.]

That's the worst sort of wound, twisting what's loved to be used against them. Hell, it already feels like that and I'm not arrogant enough to think the Qunari were after me personally. But they sure as shit won't care what happens to any bas that get in the way. Especially a saarebas.

[She huffs and tries to keep down a little more food, going much more slowly and sparsely than usual.]

I like that running the rooftop idea, though. As long as I keep moving, keep active, it helps. And it'll keep me distracted from doing something stupid. [Which she can't promise won't happen if she's left idle or alone with her own thoughts for long. Iron shackles, indeed.]

[foxsays]

What was saarebas again? [Her understanding with Qunlat isn't the best and since Korrin doesn't use it all the time the way she hears Orlesian fairly often, Araceli finds it slides out of her head. It was worse than apostate, she's confident in that knowledge.] Things are changing for the Inquisition, for all of us. 'Other Powers' [the fingers of her free hand crook, the hand holding her fork bobs in mid-air] so who knows who might be our allies for whatever value that has, however long the season.

[Spearing some of the meal with more force than necessary after sends her fork skidding against the plate, an ear-grating sound following.]

We can swim too, more to think about, if I thought you wouldn't get bored and didn't have other things I'd say come with on some errands but everything in my head then drowns out all the other things. [Why else does Araceli keep herself so busy all the time in Thedas when she doesn't actually need to? Situations not too far removed from this, because her brain doesn't always do well with too much quiet when that leaves room for other thoughts to creep in.] When you say stupid, what do you mean exactly?

[Mildly concerned but hoping that she doesn't sound too worried, all the same, better to know what warning signs to be on the lookout for should they come.]

[gatheringstorm]

Saaerbas is a Qunari mage; literally a 'dangerous thing'. That's all they'll ever see them as, chained or not. The only comfort I have is that my freedom is a middle finger to all that they stand for.

[Spite may not be enough to live on long-term, but Korrin will latch onto it as long as she can, until there's room for something more positive to grow again. If nothing else, survive out of spite. Tama would know better than anyone, and Korrin trusts in that.]

I'll take swimming, too, maybe those other things depending on what they are. You know I always love spending time with you, but I don't want to get in the way of what you need done. [And she might, if it's anything that depends on stealth or finesse, neither of which are Korrin's forte. The question has her silent for a moment, picking at her food.]

Stupid as picking fights, throwing myself into dangerous shit, being an obsessed ass to the point of needing to be restrained from going north. That kind of stupid. I'm not planning to do any of that shit, but...too much time to think and I can't promise I'll see straight.

[foxsays]

[Something that isn't entirely anger leaves Araceli flushing hot, a thing she can examine later when Korrin's asleep in her arms and she's running her fingers through her hair or over the skin at the base of her horns but maybe she's affronted. Trying too hard to swallow her gall. Hurting. She knows what it is to be made to feel small and less and what someone else thinks you are but it wasn't quite the same but it churns hot and sick in her all the same and she almost drops the fork with a clatter for Korrin's hand, needing to squeeze tight.

You're not, but the words don't come out because she'll say them later when it might tip everything over, you won't ever be that, you're a person like everyone, you're so much more, people here and afar love you, and I love you.]

There's gambling. Agreeing to help sailors get things moved so they'll put in a good word for me or to pitch in with repairs. Running around with papers because I'm still helping teach the girl I do have for that who to go to for everything. [How strange it is to be the one to say 'do this', even palace servants didn't need to listen to the queensguard all the time unless it was related to security.

Picking up her fork again, Araceli finishes her meal and her drink to give herself time to word what she wants to say gently in light of what Korrin's just said.]

Sirena you know what people will say if you do that. What they might do. And I know you don't care, or- or that you say you don't care what they think and I love you that you can live your life that way but I care. And I don't want them to think awful things about you because you're hurting and that's how it comes out. If someone goes to the Inquisition and someone in the Inquisition used it against you because they don't like mercenaries, or free mages, or Vashoth, or some combination of those things - people who don't know you. Who'll only see what they want to see. [The words spill out faster than she can catch them, not as neat as she wants them, not like the last time there was a speech like this when it was about Anders, when it wasn't nearly so personal and when the stakes weren't so high. Maybe Araceli's too aware of it all but some of them in Kirkwall need to know how they must look to everyone and worry about it.] Please come home if it's bad. Or find me. Or send a message. I don't care where I am or what hour it is or what I'm doing, I love you.

[Is it cheating, to untuck her dragon's tooth warmed from her skin and to lean forward so she can take Korrin's hand wearing the ring she had made and close it in it? Well she doesn't care, you play the hand you're dealt and this is hers.]

[gatheringstorm]

[It's definitely cheating, but if it works isn't that what matters? Food and drink forgotten for the moment, Korrin's face softens and tears spring to her eyes as she holds onto that hand as thought it's a lifeline. Her voice has been wavering between the calm of despair and the roughness of that raw hurt, and right now it's more the latter, though there's a warmth to it as she gazes at her kadan with tear-filled eyes.]

I love you, too, kadan. Always. I'll find a way to reach you first before I go off the deep end, promise. [She's pretty good about that, normally, but a reminder never hurts, and Araceli's words make her heart ache in a good way.]

...and I know. If it was just me, I wouldn't give a nug's ass what anyone else thinks of me or how I am. I still don't, mostly. But there are too many people who'd look at me and judge everyone else like me for it. [That's the hardest part about being in Kirkwall, having to keep herself in check far more than she ever needed to in Skyhold. Recent events hardly help that strain.] I may be selfish, but I'm not selfish enough to drag people down with me.

[At least, while she's in her right mind. Korrin has to make that willpower last, though, she'd hate herself if any of her actions end up costing the very people she's trying to help. She draws in a deep breath, turning her gaze to their hands and seeming to gain some strength from it. What she can't accomplish alone, they can together.]

...I can do that. The gambling and moving and anything else in that area. I didn't join the project to sit on my ass, so whatever you need you'll have it from my end. And if we can sail away from Kirkwall for a while to do whatever needs doing...all the better. [If they can get some new -or at least different- sights while she processes all this, it might help. It can't hurt, at least.]

[foxsays]

[Because Araceli doesn't always have to think about what she's doing or why because there are lessons she learnt before even knowing they were lessons, all the better for a girl to do them easy as breathing. If Araceli doesn't stop and think about it then she's just reacting, doing what has to be done in a situation because that's what she was taught to do as a girl and grew up doing, continued to do as a thief, as a guard, as a bard. The words settle in her, her own smile more watery than she wants it to be because she would like a better face. A more reassuring face where she can so sure with all the answers, with all the support but here she has her two hands and they can only offer them out because that's they only way they aren't empty.]

The lessons strike home, I'll make a player of the Game out of you yet, what would Madame Vivienne or Madame LeBlanc say? [Even teasing her as a distraction, saying those names hurts too when they're among a list of all those who didn't make the trip to Kirkwall either with their own missions and assignments seeing them better served elsewhere or so the official line went.] For every finger the points, there are three pointing back but consider it the other way when it's them pointing at you. [Clumsy but there are always a lot more voices lurking somewhere, Araceli knew that well enough at home she just has a luxury here because whatever else she is, she's still come out of it luckier than most being human and without magic.]

I would like to see Ostwick and what there is to be seen with my own eyes, to get a feel for the coastline we live on now and the islands scattered about the pirates and smugglers might use. [So you know, stranger things have happened than a sailing trip.]