foxsays | ooc: inbox/plot with me

...the scouts have confirmed it. Kas isn't anywhere nearby. He could be in Par Vollen, for all we know.

[Is that her 'I desperately need a drink' voice? Why, yes it is.]

[There's a soft noise that's maybe a curse getting caught in her throat somewhere. It hurts, hurts more than she thought but well, it's done now, isn't it?]

You aren't going after him. [Because you aren't, Araceli doesn't have sway over every ship and Korrin could leave and go to drag him back but she's not going. Maybe she can say she's too surprised to make it a question if Korrin asks her.] Are we going out?

[Or is she bringing some of their stash?]

[Araceli's right to think that Korrin's already considering how to go after him, but that's not a conversation/argument she wants to have over the crystals, so she just responds with a sigh.]

No, I don't want to be around other people right now. They'd end up regretting it and so would I.

Where are you? [Araceli is actually at home just now but there's nothing she can't put off until the morning, Korrin comes first.] There's food here, drinking on an empty stomach won't help anyone.

Edited (paste why) 2017-07-04 19:05 (UTC)

Probably not, tempting as it is. I'm on the stairs leading from Lowtown, so I'll be there in a few.

I'll leave the door unlocked. [Usually she wouldn't because she isn't an idiot but Korrin can come back in, lock up behind her and that'll be that for the night.

In the meantime, there's the noise of her moving about the kitchen as the sending crystal hangs from the chain round her neck as she goes. The thunk of a bottle on the table is unmistakeable.]

[With a murmur of thanks, Korrin deactivates the crystal so she won't be distracted from getting there as soon as possible. And because whatever else is left to be said, she doesn't want that in front of an audience. Upon arriving, she slips inside and locks the door as is habit, kicking off her boots though her movements are quiet. No satisfying thuds this time. Upon reaching the doorway, Korrin leans against it, looking tired and defeated, her eyes glazed over with hurt.]

Sirena. [Araceli calls from where she's finishing up dinner, Lux's head poking out from under the table busy with his own from the parts not for them. Taking it all off the heat, she draws out a chair for Korrin on her way past to meet her at the door; up on tiptoes she'd never have a chance of really gathering Korrin in properly when they're both standing but that doesn't stop her from trying.] I'm so sorry, I know how much he means to you and when you'd just learnt what you shared with me…

[A sigh follows.] Go, sit, there's rum on the table, I just have to serve everything. It isn't anything fancy. [Stuffed squid don't count as fancy but it'll be filling enough if Korrin wants to drink herself into a stupor.]

[Lux's head is briefly stroked before she holds Araceli close with a heavy sigh, closing her eyes. That lump in her throat returns, and she needs a moment before her voice is steady enough to use.]

If he's that far away...we'll probably never find him, will we. I thought there'd at least be a chance to save him, however small.

[She glances to the rum and manages a faint smile as the scent of stuffed squid reaches her. At least she can satisfy Araceli's requirement of having something in her before she drinks herself silly.]

Thanks, kadan. It doesn't have to be fancy, your food always hits the spot. [It's a shame that it won't be as savored as usual, but she'll try.]

[As much as it hurts that Kas is gone, there's a part of her that's small but loudly insistent that this is the better outcome. No one has to get hurt trying to find a solution that might never have come, and all of them are spared the potential (or was it always probable) heartache in the end if nothing came of it, if they couldn't do anything about it.

Araceli can't let Korrin see that, she can't. As much as she cared for Kas, worried, will miss him, will sometimes turn and expect to see him there this was too dangerous but she can't trust that Korrin would understand her reasons.]

Kirkwall is larger than Skyhold and there are likely spies everywhere from every corner that we don't know of, any one of them could have gotten word that people knew the truth. Or the situation was too much of a risk when he was so well-known to people here. [She squeezes Korrin tight before pulling away to plate up the food, running her words through her head against her tone; it sounded like it did after Anders didn't it? Laying out a plan and measuring it, not letting her emotions come out? One of them has to be calm and considered, Korrin can be allowed to break down and fall apart--

(This is the time when certain lessons from childhood are terrible, you never know how to switch them off really.)]

[As blinded with hurt as she is, it's probably for the best that Korrin isn't told any of that. Her emotions are always strong, in joy or in grief, and when it comes to certain people -Kas being one of them- she doesn't have any fucks to give about the odds. Kas wormed his way into her heart and the sting of betrayal, the lack of closure, is a wound that might not heal. She nods dully, that squeeze drawing some tension out of her though the despair remains.]

...you're right. I tried to keep as few people in the loop as possible, but someone else could have figured it out and been less discreet. Or whatever. Not knowing if we could have really made a difference, it's going to be a bitch of a thing to live with. I know you don't want me to go after him, and I'm not interested in a suicide run anyway. I still need information, though. If he leaves Qunari lands again, maybe we can intercept him in time.

[She needs something to cling to after she's done falling apart, and that's the best she's got.]

[Sitting, Araceli takes a bite of her meal and gestures with her fork for Korrin to do the same to buy herself more time to think about how to put this. Because she has to. Because there's a part of her that's too used to eyes on her and not having the luxury of not caring about opinions as much as she might protest otherwise.]

Korrin, people are always watching. They're always listening. Skyhold was so far from everyone that the rumours could be an advantage but we're so close to where everyone and everything is that things will always come out. [The people of Kirkwall much as the rest of the world have to the see the Inquisition as the Inquisition first, not as whatever other loyalties anyone holds. Araceli isn't about to hold her breath when it comes to people getting the message as she pushes her food on her plate.] You know that me not wanting you to go isn't because I didn't want to help and it isn't because I didn't care about him but I care about you more, and you going off to Qunari lands ends up with you dead or worse. I wouldn't let that happen.

[Araceli guarded her queen, usually she doesn't let too much of it out in Thedas but if she had to she would here and now. Never before has she understood her mother and 'it's for your own good'.]

[At the gesture, Korrin remembers to at least make a token effort to eat. It's quickly accompanied by rum, but it's something. She sighs and nods at mention of Kirkwall and how connected it is compared to Skyhold.]

Don't get me wrong, I'm still glad we moved from the ass-cold mountains to a place where you could be near docks and ships, but it's impossible to contain anything here for long. If this had happened in Skyhold...eh, it still might have gone tits-up, but at least we might have had more of a chance.

[She'd like to believe that anyway, needs to. Anything is better than the realization that this might have been the inevitable outcome in all scenarios. For someone who usually doesn't flinch from the truth, she finds it too much to face now.

Reaching over, she squeezes Araceli's free hand.]

I would never think you heartless, kadan. I know you care for him, and Kas knows it, too. I'd stick out like a sore thumb, anyway. A Vashoth who was never part of the Qun? Yeah, they'd know in a heartbeat. There's no point in going at it that way if it'd never work. [There'd never be an 'or worse'; she'd rather die than let herself be turned into a saarebas, without hesitation.]

[Well Araceli had hoped for more eating before the drinking started but she waters her own as much as the contents of her flask.]

The Inquisition was never going to grow there, not so isolated; none of this is about me, it's about you, it's about...it's about everything other than me. If I have to talk to people, please believe me I will but you can let things out without having to worry about me. The ship has already left the harbour when it comes to Kas and Skyhold, if they still had the Iron Bull...you'll drive yourself mad if you try chasing after all of those.

[Korrin isn't Araceli, she doesn't have to plan for every single eventuality and outcome that she can as standard.]

If they need him again...who knows where the Inquisition will send any of us and since I'm heading naval projects, I'm at least in the best position I can be to try to catch any sight of his name or someone matching that description. [That's about as much as she can offer, squeezing Korrin's hand even if she privately wonders about what the Qun might do to have a mage at their beck and call in the Inquisition, if they'd ever risk it.] At least this way we don't need to experience firsthand what the Inquisition does to a spy. It's seldom pretty.

[This is going to be a drinking sort of night, but Araceli's dish isn't ignored. Korrin tries a little more while listening to her kadan, wondering when the night will come when her appetite will truly return. Probably not any time soon, a disturbing shift for someone who savors her meals. There's a slight shrug and ghost of a smile after she's cleared her throat enough to respond.]

It's stupid, isn't it? Thinking about what-ifs won't change a damn thing now, but they keep coming back to mind even when I know better. If I get stuck in that loop...fuck it, have Lux nip me or something. But that's as far as I go, I'm not doing Iron Bull's weird Qunari thing where Qunari get smacked around with a big stick. [How that would help she can't imagine, but Korrin isn't going to find out. It's Qunari bullshit, and that's the last thing she needs or wants right now. And there goes another swig.]

He's smart enough not to use that name after this, but it's worth a try asking for his description. Those horns of his are still small for his age; it might make him stand out enough. [Unless he cuts them off. Would he? The thought has Korrin frowning down at her food, remembering how he was so proud of the fact that they were getting bigger. But that was 'Kas', not the 'Dust' he had become.]

It's never pretty, but I...I can't see it end like that, not without trying absolutely everything else. If it gets to that point--

[She cuts herself off and looks away, that lump in her throat preventing her from finishing that thought.]

It's not if you know when to stop once they start poisoning you. Some of the questions lead to good places and ideas but others are iron shackles that weigh us down with every step and hobble us. If you want to do something that isn't hitting you with a stick [her nose wrinkles and she has to swallow her mouthful with a swig of rum because of course it involves hitting with sticks, it's the Qun] then we can try duelling or you could come run the rooftops, stop thinking about anything more than immediate concerns.

Smart enough to use it if it would benefit him or his masters. [That thing she was just saying about what-ifs? This is more pointed, a reminder for a day that might never come.] You care about him and he knows that and that means they know too, same for the rest of us. If you see that name, I would like you to tell me. I'm not saying you have to but given everything? It would be safest. What a person cares about can be carved up, neatly portioned, served up to them on a plate to kill them. We learned that in the palace.

[Near two years spent lying to all her friends because it's a lesson learned well.]

[Taking a deep breath, she looks back and nods.]

That's the worst sort of wound, twisting what's loved to be used against them. Hell, it already feels like that and I'm not arrogant enough to think the Qunari were after me personally. But they sure as shit won't care what happens to any bas that get in the way. Especially a saarebas.

[She huffs and tries to keep down a little more food, going much more slowly and sparsely than usual.]

I like that running the rooftop idea, though. As long as I keep moving, keep active, it helps. And it'll keep me distracted from doing something stupid. [Which she can't promise won't happen if she's left idle or alone with her own thoughts for long. Iron shackles, indeed.]

What was saarebas again? [Her understanding with Qunlat isn't the best and since Korrin doesn't use it all the time the way she hears Orlesian fairly often, Araceli finds it slides out of her head. It was worse than apostate, she's confident in that knowledge.] Things are changing for the Inquisition, for all of us. 'Other Powers' [the fingers of her free hand crook, the hand holding her fork bobs in mid-air] so who knows who might be our allies for whatever value that has, however long the season.

[Spearing some of the meal with more force than necessary after sends her fork skidding against the plate, an ear-grating sound following.]

We can swim too, more to think about, if I thought you wouldn't get bored and didn't have other things I'd say come with on some errands but everything in my head then drowns out all the other things. [Why else does Araceli keep herself so busy all the time in Thedas when she doesn't actually need to? Situations not too far removed from this, because her brain doesn't always do well with too much quiet when that leaves room for other thoughts to creep in.] When you say stupid, what do you mean exactly?

[Mildly concerned but hoping that she doesn't sound too worried, all the same, better to know what warning signs to be on the lookout for should they come.]

Saaerbas is a Qunari mage; literally a 'dangerous thing'. That's all they'll ever see them as, chained or not. The only comfort I have is that my freedom is a middle finger to all that they stand for.

[Spite may not be enough to live on long-term, but Korrin will latch onto it as long as she can, until there's room for something more positive to grow again. If nothing else, survive out of spite. Tama would know better than anyone, and Korrin trusts in that.]

I'll take swimming, too, maybe those other things depending on what they are. You know I always love spending time with you, but I don't want to get in the way of what you need done. [And she might, if it's anything that depends on stealth or finesse, neither of which are Korrin's forte. The question has her silent for a moment, picking at her food.]

Stupid as picking fights, throwing myself into dangerous shit, being an obsessed ass to the point of needing to be restrained from going north. That kind of stupid. I'm not planning to do any of that shit, but...too much time to think and I can't promise I'll see straight.

[Something that isn't entirely anger leaves Araceli flushing hot, a thing she can examine later when Korrin's asleep in her arms and she's running her fingers through her hair or over the skin at the base of her horns but maybe she's affronted. Trying too hard to swallow her gall. Hurting. She knows what it is to be made to feel small and less and what someone else thinks you are but it wasn't quite the same but it churns hot and sick in her all the same and she almost drops the fork with a clatter for Korrin's hand, needing to squeeze tight.

You're not, but the words don't come out because she'll say them later when it might tip everything over, you won't ever be that, you're a person like everyone, you're so much more, people here and afar love you, and I love you.]

There's gambling. Agreeing to help sailors get things moved so they'll put in a good word for me or to pitch in with repairs. Running around with papers because I'm still helping teach the girl I do have for that who to go to for everything. [How strange it is to be the one to say 'do this', even palace servants didn't need to listen to the queensguard all the time unless it was related to security.

Picking up her fork again, Araceli finishes her meal and her drink to give herself time to word what she wants to say gently in light of what Korrin's just said.]

Sirena you know what people will say if you do that. What they might do. And I know you don't care, or- or that you say you don't care what they think and I love you that you can live your life that way but I care. And I don't want them to think awful things about you because you're hurting and that's how it comes out. If someone goes to the Inquisition and someone in the Inquisition used it against you because they don't like mercenaries, or free mages, or Vashoth, or some combination of those things - people who don't know you. Who'll only see what they want to see. [The words spill out faster than she can catch them, not as neat as she wants them, not like the last time there was a speech like this when it was about Anders, when it wasn't nearly so personal and when the stakes weren't so high. Maybe Araceli's too aware of it all but some of them in Kirkwall need to know how they must look to everyone and worry about it.] Please come home if it's bad. Or find me. Or send a message. I don't care where I am or what hour it is or what I'm doing, I love you.

[Is it cheating, to untuck her dragon's tooth warmed from her skin and to lean forward so she can take Korrin's hand wearing the ring she had made and close it in it? Well she doesn't care, you play the hand you're dealt and this is hers.]

[It's definitely cheating, but if it works isn't that what matters? Food and drink forgotten for the moment, Korrin's face softens and tears spring to her eyes as she holds onto that hand as thought it's a lifeline. Her voice has been wavering between the calm of despair and the roughness of that raw hurt, and right now it's more the latter, though there's a warmth to it as she gazes at her kadan with tear-filled eyes.]

I love you, too, kadan. Always. I'll find a way to reach you first before I go off the deep end, promise. [She's pretty good about that, normally, but a reminder never hurts, and Araceli's words make her heart ache in a good way.]

...and I know. If it was just me, I wouldn't give a nug's ass what anyone else thinks of me or how I am. I still don't, mostly. But there are too many people who'd look at me and judge everyone else like me for it. [That's the hardest part about being in Kirkwall, having to keep herself in check far more than she ever needed to in Skyhold. Recent events hardly help that strain.] I may be selfish, but I'm not selfish enough to drag people down with me.

[At least, while she's in her right mind. Korrin has to make that willpower last, though, she'd hate herself if any of her actions end up costing the very people she's trying to help. She draws in a deep breath, turning her gaze to their hands and seeming to gain some strength from it. What she can't accomplish alone, they can together.]

...I can do that. The gambling and moving and anything else in that area. I didn't join the project to sit on my ass, so whatever you need you'll have it from my end. And if we can sail away from Kirkwall for a while to do whatever needs doing...all the better. [If they can get some new -or at least different- sights while she processes all this, it might help. It can't hurt, at least.]

[Because Araceli doesn't always have to think about what she's doing or why because there are lessons she learnt before even knowing they were lessons, all the better for a girl to do them easy as breathing. If Araceli doesn't stop and think about it then she's just reacting, doing what has to be done in a situation because that's what she was taught to do as a girl and grew up doing, continued to do as a thief, as a guard, as a bard. The words settle in her, her own smile more watery than she wants it to be because she would like a better face. A more reassuring face where she can so sure with all the answers, with all the support but here she has her two hands and they can only offer them out because that's they only way they aren't empty.]

The lessons strike home, I'll make a player of the Game out of you yet, what would Madame Vivienne or Madame LeBlanc say? [Even teasing her as a distraction, saying those names hurts too when they're among a list of all those who didn't make the trip to Kirkwall either with their own missions and assignments seeing them better served elsewhere or so the official line went.] For every finger the points, there are three pointing back but consider it the other way when it's them pointing at you. [Clumsy but there are always a lot more voices lurking somewhere, Araceli knew that well enough at home she just has a luxury here because whatever else she is, she's still come out of it luckier than most being human and without magic.]

I would like to see Ostwick and what there is to be seen with my own eyes, to get a feel for the coastline we live on now and the islands scattered about the pirates and smugglers might use. [So you know, stranger things have happened than a sailing trip.]

ooc: inbox/plot with me

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